YFB March Issue- Love n' Relationships- How Healthy Is Your Relationship? {Niki H}

There has been much ado in the media lately about the importance of healthy relationships and their health implications.

One study found that bad relationships, i.e. those that cause a high level of stress, literally break the heart leading to heart attacks and other coronary complications. Previously, scientists also found that being single or having “few close relationships” could also have a similar effect.

Sounds quite ominous, doesn’t it? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

There are non-scientific, everyday, regular folk who are living out the research conditions in both studies.

There are two very glaring examples that we see everyday, falling on either end of the relationship spectrum. You probably know at least one person who falls into each category:

1. The ‘Serial Monogamist’ a.k.a Just Don’t Wanna Be Lonely *cue Freddie McGregor*
Sex: Male or Female
Motto: Single Never. Booed Up Ever!
Characteristics: This person is always in a relationship. You cannot blink fast enough… The seat where The Ex was sitting literally has no time to cool to room temperature before the next Ex-to-Be is there.
Subject may or may not typically express being in love soon after the new relationship commences.
Subject is often very intuitive and somehow able to foresee the end of a relationship; strategically allowing them enough time to scout, evaluate, select and train the next candidate approved for the job.

2. The Lone Ranger a.k.a ‘Solo Dolo’
Sex: Male or Female
Motto: Money Over (insert derogatory name for either sex here)
Characteristics: This person does not hold relationships in high regard. Carries the Player’s Guide to the Universe in their back pocket or oversized handbag and refers to the ‘Bible of Betrayal’ as fact. All the facts in this holy book are accumulated from the experiences of others except that one… The Creation Story, where some clueless bajohnny ran over the subject’s heart with an army tank.
Subject may also engage in promiscuous behavior but not always. Never speaks highly of Love or any thing remotely related.

Whether or not I’ve created these profiles in jest, you’ve already plucked two faces off your tree of friends that fit the profile or maybe… you just went to the mirror.

Whatever the case may be, the fact remains these profiles are two sides of the same coin. They are just the extreme possibilities that may result from previous hurt, and insecurity.

Neither is ideal. A ‘Serial Monogamist’ who jumps into relationships for the sake of not being lonely, taking no time to get into a relationship with him/herself, is creating that stressful heartbreaking situation over and over again – thinking before they leap from the frying pan to the fire.

‘Solo Dolo’, on the other hand who may just not be sure that what he/she brings to the table is worthy of sharing is also creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I am not saying that ‘Solo Dolo’ doesn’t have close relationships with friends and family, but process of love for family and love for a significant other differ somewhat.

‘Solo Dolo’ or ‘Serial Monogamist’, isn’t it hard enough managing exercise, diet and family history? Without having to worry about adding “poor relationship decisions” to the Heart Disease Risk Factors List?

There is nothing wrong with being single or in a relationship, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons.

YFB February Issue-Style-Love n' Relationships {Niki H}

In the “I Confess” column of the January 1, 2011 edition of the Nation Newspaper, a letter was published that caused me immense distress.

The writer (let’s call her Bi-Why) mentions that her man is “a good lover”, respectful, “patient and tolerant”; he actually listens, seeks to “build her confidence”, is not focused solely on sex but is however, “fantastic in bed… and extremely sensitive to [her] responses”, and treats her better than any man has treated her before; he likes to dress nicely and keeps a neat appearance. Oh and he has a found a friend in lotion (“…his elbows are not white…”).

*crickets* Yea so ummm…. What is the problem?????

These are all good attributes that many women are currently seeking in a mate (wid nuh luck at all).

Well, she alludes to something that concerns her:

[. . .] he encourages me to play with him with my fingers, and when I do this he behaves in a manner I have never experienced with a man before.

*Gasp* (not really).

Fine, everyone is allowed to have concerns in a relationship – it’s normal. But Bi-Why’s concern only arises after she discusses her relationship with her bff who advises Bi-Why that her boyfriend may be bisexual.

Let me be clear that my intention and purpose here is not to ridicule.  From here on out I am speaking to everyone, with the above situation as a reference.

In Bi-Why’s case, There are a number of mistakes, which we all commonly make that ruin good relationships.

Letting outsiders influence your happiness in your relationship. I’m sure all your friends will have good intentions and try to protect you from heartache (sarcastic much?). Someone told me once to never tell your friends about what is going on in your sex life, because that stirs up curiosity. And we dun know how many cats curiosity send to de gallows! What happens in your bedroom (or wherever else you like to get freaky) is your business! Bi-Why mentioned no problems or unease in the relationship prior to her BFF planting that seed of doubt!

Stop relying on de girls or de fellas to fix your problems with their magnificent advice. Keep it 100! All your “friends” are not your friends and as such (a) don’t actually want your relationship to work and therefore (b) should not be advising you on relationships. If you must consult a friend, it should be the one or few that you trust the most, with a most objective perspective, and a genuine concern for you. Your relationship is not meant for public consumption!

You are in a relationship with him/her not your girls or boys- Take up your issues with your spouse. Your girlfriend should not find out from your best friend’s girlfriend that you don’t like her going out to the club 4 nights a week.

If you don’t trust him/her then why are you with them?- Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. If Bi-Why is looking at him wondering if those same hands have caressed a man’s face, and the thought has done irreparable damage to her security and trust in the relationship, then she should do the right thing and move on. Staying in a relationship with no trust is basically volunteering to be tortured (not in the S&M way either).

Read the signs-They are always signs. Oprah is right. You have to pay attention. Since Bi-Why has stated that this is not the first man she has engaged in anal play with, if Bi-Why’s boyfriend is indeed bisexual then something more significant than well-lotion elbows & a hair cut every week will have to suffice.